


Ups and Downs

by peigitrahearn



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-09 17:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12893148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peigitrahearn/pseuds/peigitrahearn
Summary: Sehun is alone. Sehun is unhappy. And then Junmyeon comes along.





	1. Chapter 1

     

It was a rainy autumn day when I first met you. I could hear the faint noise of raindrops thumping against the windows. It was dim in the house with no lights on and with all the clouds outside, hiding the sun. 

The rough texture of the rope was itchy on my skin, around my neck; but I was too distracted to be bothered by it. I was looking at the kitchen but I wasn’t actually, I was looking at the ghosts floating. The ghost of me cooking, the ghost of me cleaning the house, the ghost of my smile. All were carved into the walls of the house now, mocking how I was standing on the chair; ready to become one with them. All were so old that I sometimes couldn't be sure that I hadn't imagined them. My legs were shaking and I could feel that my eyes were getting wet. I hated the fact that I was scared but at the same time I was afraid of not being afraid. The white marbles on the floor were constantly changing dimensions, I could sense them getting farther away from me and then disturbingly close. I sniffed and felt the fear consuming my internals; I looked back in my head, why was I afraid? What was even keeping me from kicking the chair, what was keeping me from not going to work the other day, not paying the rent, not letting my landlady find my body when she came to pick up the money? Why was I still standing, not swinging?

It was just a slight “Hello?” and a creek of the door before I saw your eyes go wide. 

In just a matter of seconds, I heard your hasty footsteps across the room; you wrapped your arms around my body like you were trying to keep me from falling into an invisible void, your breath was hot in the chilly autumn morning; damp against my shirt. “Hey there buddy, take it easy.”You were out of breath but you sounded strangely calm despite that. “Get down.”

I didn’t know what to say, I was trying to breathe in the air which suddenly felt too foreign, trying to understand who you were, trying to figure out the situation. I wasn’t thinking about pushing you away and kicking the chair, maybe I really was afraid. 

You took a deep breath, “Okay now, I will let you go and you will get your neck out of that rope, deal?”

Even though I didn’t respond other than my teary and surprised eyes glaring at you, you stepped back. I held the rope and set it aside. You held my hand to help me get down from the chair. Your skin was soft, I had thought, warm despite the wind outside. 

You were looking right into my eyes but I couldn’t gather to courage to look back, you smelled like pine trees. I stared at your wet, black shoes and then my bare feet. 

“Who are you?” I murmured, my throat was sour from not talking for so long, I had almost forgotten the sound of my voice. I wondered if you had heard me.

“I came for the roommate offer,” you said. You had taken a deep breath like you were relieved that I could manage to talk, although your voice still was concerned. You talked carefully like you were afraid that you could break something. “The one on the internet.”

I raised my head and finally managed to look into your eyes. I was startled for a second to meet the eyes of someone other than my coworkers, my boss or my landlady. They looked warm with concern, your eyelashes perpetually meeting your pink cheeks with your constant blinking. Your eyebrows were raised, your hair wet and sticking to your forehead were brushing against them. Your lips were parted with words ready to pour from them. “Kim Joonmyun?”

“Junmyeon,” You corrected.

“Right, sorry.”

“Mr. Sehun I suppose?”

I gulped and nodded; I didn’t know what to do. “Yeah.” I looked around the house to keep my eyes away from your gaze which made me feel uneasy. “I thought you were going to come to talk a week ago.” I tried to remember the e-mail you had sent me.

“Something came up. I sent you a mail saying that I would come in today.”

“Sorry, I wasn’t… I haven’t checked my account for a while now.”

You took a look at the rope still swinging from the ceiling, cutting the air from one way to the other. And then you looked back at me.

“Why don’t we talk in the kitchen?” I said, my voice cracking. I still wasn’t used to using it that much. 

“Sure.”

“I’ll make coffee,” I had said even though I didn’t know if any of the cupboards in the kitchen had anything in them. I searched for the coffee package I remembered buying maybe ages ago, my hands sweeping the dust in the cupboards. 

You looked around the kitchen as I was preparing the coffee, your hands were wondering on the counter, around the cupboards, your eyes analyzing the mere lightbulb swinging from the ceiling, the windows stained with the remains of raindrops. 

I handed you the cup and noticed how long your fingers were, it felt so strange then, to have a new person to explore. I turned my gaze to my mug when you looked at me. It was hot between my fingers but I remember liking the stinging sensation, I hadn’t felt anything hot in my hands for god knows how many days.

I looked at the places your hands and your eyes had visited just minutes ago, the place looked like it hadn't hosted anyone for years. I never had neither the desire nor the energy to clean. “I’m sorry the house isn’t in its best state right now,” I tried to direct my gaze in any other way besides the chair and the noose. “but it’s a nice place.”

“It’s big enough for two people, that’s nice.”

“Yeah.” I had never thought that I would have a person by my side in this house, I had never thought of it as a place for two people. It had become a very hard thing for me to imagine someone besides me. 

“How much is the rent?”

“$250 a month. I will pay one half, you will pay the other. I mean if you’d like to stay, of course. We can talk about the percentages if you want.”

“No, it’s okay.” You paused for a second, your gaze walked on the kitchen table to the walls, around the mug and then stopped on me. I could see that you were thinking of something, you were looking at me yet you were seeing beyond me. “How old are you?”

“21.”

“You’re young.”

“You don’t seem much older.”

“I’m 24.”

“Do you have a job?”

“I work part-time at a kindergarten cafeteria. I also have a band, not that we make much money.”

“You play an instrument?”

“The guitar. Also, I’m the vocalist.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah. You can come to listen to us some time. Where do you work?”

“At a coffee shop. Part-time.”

“They pay you enough for the rent?”

“The boss is nice.”

“I see.”

“Are you accepting the offer?”

“I can’t see why not.”

Now that I play everything over in my head, it sounds so rushed. We had both agreed to live together with someone who we had just met. I have this strange feeling that even then, I was attracted to you on the spot in a weird way like I knew I wasn't supposed to let you go. 

You stared at me and I stared at the coffee mug for a couple of seconds, the noise of the raindrops were filling in for our voices.

“Mr. Sehun, about earlier—”

“It’s okay.”

“I mean—”

“Really. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine.”

“But, Mr. Sehun—”

“Mr. Junmyeon, I beg you.” You later on told me that it had broken your heart so much, to hear those words from me with a desperate expression. You told me that my eyes looked so sad, sadder than anyone you had ever encountered. You told me that you wanted to help me so bad back then, even from the first second we met. You told me that when you heard my age, you felt something shatter inside of you. 

It looked like you didn’t know if you should go on or not for a minute, then you closed your eyes to take a deep breath. “I should get my stuff in and settle I guess, then.”

“Oh yeah, sure, let me help you.” Words were tangling in my throat, I felt like someone was going to pinch me and I would wake up from that dream.

“And call me Junmyeon.”

“You can call me Sehun.”

You turned and smile, you had a smile that lit up your whole face; your lips curving into your cheeks and your eyes sparkling for a slight second. “Sehun,” You repeated to yourself. I liked the way my name sounded on your lips. You said it like it held new hopes like you were stepping on a new land waiting for you to explore it. “I like your name.”

No one had smiled to me like that for a long time. “Thanks.”

You walked for the door and paused the moment you opened it. I waited for you to come back inside until you had stood there for an awkward amount of time.

“Junmyeon, what’s wrong—”

“My suitcase is gone.”

“What?”

“It’s not here. Jesus, all of my things were in there.”

I looked over your shoulder at the empty doorway, “It’s not that thefts happen regularly here. Maybe has mistaken it for theirs. They’ll bring it back.” 

You sighed and turned back, although you didn’t seem that displeased, even a little bemused. You looked like you liked the adventure.

“I can lend you some clothes.” I said, and you smiled.

“Can I say one last thing?” I knew it was about the way we met from your tone.

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

I looked up at you. “For what?”

“For the fact that something has pushed you this far.”

I don’t know if you knew but that was the first time anyone had felt sorry for the state I was in. That was the first time anyone had ever apologized to me for what had happened to me. The first time anyone had noticed.

I lent you a t-shirt and shorts as pajamas and it was a little funny that none of us had managed to think that my clothes would be too big for you. You looked like you were dressed in your father’s clothes. Your hands were lost in the hems of the t-shirt and you continuously tripped on the cuffs of the pair of pants which were way too long for you. 

For the rest of the day, you mostly wandered around the house except for the times we sat down until we ran out of coffee, trying to get to know each other better. Maybe you realized I wasn’t much of a talker because you kept talking and talking until it didn't feel weird to sit side by side with some stranger whom I was going to share my house with. You had so much passion in you, sparkles lit up in your eyes whenever you talked about something you liked and your hands were always fidgeting as your lips moved.

You walked towards the music set while we were taking our fifth coffee break of the day, going through the CDs I hadn’t touched for ages; you took one out and looked at me.

“You like Hyukoh?” Something lit up in your eyes again, I figured you liked them.

“I used to.”

“You used to?”

“I don’t listen to them all that much anymore. I don’t listen to music all that much.”

You smiled instead of pushing it further and slid the CD into the music set and as the melody to TOMBOY filled in the room, I felt something flutter inside of me. The first time I had listened to the song, the times I had cleaned the house listening to it ringing in my ears, the times I had sung along, the people I had listened to it with. And I felt tears form in my eyes, getting rid of them right before you turned your head to look at me with a smile on your lips.

“It’s a beautiful song, right?”

“Yeah.” I said, I was hardly keeping my voice from cracking. “It is.”

 

 

 

Mornings used to be the hardest part of the day for me, as the sun filled the room I always wondered if my day was going to end up like it had the day before. If anything was going to change. Having hope hurt me more than anything else could have. Though the next morning I woke up to a strange smell, it smelled like butter. Normally I wouldn’t even leave bed until it was time for work, I wouldn’t have any reason, I wouldn’t have any desire. My legs were sore as I stepped onto the wooden floor, my hair was a mess and it was troubling to even open my eyes. Maybe it was to find the desire to open my eyes which was hard.

I followed the smell which led me to the kitchen and saw you in front of the stove with an apron I didn’t know I had tied around your waist, a pan in your hand, murmuring song. I couldn't remember the last time this house had that much life in it.

I felt the same strangely warm feeling I had felt yesterday from your presence, it was foreign yet it was pleasing to have inside of me. It felt like drinking a cup of hot chocolate during the coldest day of winter, although I was starting to feel afraid to take the mug because I knew the warmness would leave me not long after. Or the heat would burn my hands. 

I don’t know how long I had stood there and stared at you until you turned back and noticed me. “Good morning,” you said with a smile on your lips. 

“Are you cooking?”

“Yeah. Do you like bacon and eggs? I couldn’t find anything else in your fridge.” I didn’t know how long it had been since the last time I had bought anything to eat. 

I turned my head to check the living room and saw that the rope and the chair were gone like nothing had happened. It felt strangely empty. I looked back at you to watch you hum a song as you swirled the eggs on the pan, I wondered if you were like that to everyone or if you were trying to lift up my mood. I suddenly felt so small in front of you, I knew I wanted and needed to be protected, I knew how close I was to shattering apart and I knew how fragile I was. It still awakened a kind of anger in me to watch you try to snatch me away from all of that. Maybe I was afraid of being next to a person, I probably was, it was fear what had awakened inside of me, but at that time I still wasn't able to think anything straight. I still had that unbearable storm in my head and that vicious voice whispering in my ears. It never ended well when I thought for myself and I was always too tired to do so. I always gave into whatever was devouring me. “Are you pitying me?” I said, it came more of a hiss than a sentence. I hadn't meant to sound that angry, but it was too late to correct anything when you turned to me with a confused and kind of broken look on your face. I gulped when I saw your expression.

“What do you mean?” You said, how sincere you were made me regret my every word.

Yet I kept going because I didn't know how to behave around people, I was still angry at every single human being because I was angry at myself the most. I was angry because I was afraid. I was trapped in a cycle of fear and hate and I had no idea how to get myself out of it. “Why are you doing all this?”

“It’s not out of pity, why would you even think that?”

I looked at you blankly for a second, I kept trying to come up with a way to get this conversation on the right track. I couldn’t. “Do I look in need enough to receive care from some stranger?”

“I think I’m your flatmate.”

“I met you yesterday. I don’t need you worrying about me.”

“I just want to help.”

“Why?” My voice was getting louder and I wanted to strangle myself to get it lower, but once I got out of control I couldn’t get myself together. I was starting to remember why I had been alone in that flat for so long. Why I had been alone in my life for so long. “Because I look so desperate? Because you think you understood what happened yesterday? Because you think you can suddenly make me better by some eggs?” I couldn’t deal with how hurt you looked, I had felt empty for so long that I couldn’t remember the last time I had hated myself for that much, I remember why I thought I deserved to be the one swinging from the end of that rope. “I don’t want your help.” I said, looking at the stove. “And I don’t need your eggs.”

The doorbell rang and I hadn’t felt so relieved in my life, I turned back and walked to the door. My landlady was waiting on the doorway, a little woman with white hair cascading down her shoulders. “Hello sweetie, I came to pick up the rent.”

“Yeah, I know Mrs. Choi, could you wait a second please,” I murmured as I walked towards the hallway to get the money.

“Hi,” I heard a soft voice coming from behind, you had come out of the kitchen with your apron stained with oil. 

“Oh, hi,” Mrs. Choi had said cheerfully, do you remember how much she liked you? “Are you a friend of Sehun’s?”

“I’m his flatmate actually,” You had said, you didn’t sound hurt anymore; I wondered if you were hiding it or if you had gotten over it. 

“Oh really? I’m Choi Sooyoung dear, your landlady.”

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Sooyoung,” You had held her hand. “And this month’s rent is on me so here you go,” You said and handed her the money you took out of your pocket.

“Thank you sweetheart, what’s your name again?”

“It’s Kim Junmyeon madame.”

“Kim Junmyeon, yes? That seems a little familiar…. Wait, is there any chance that you had a suitcase outside yesterday?”

Your eyes had lit up just like a child’s, you were bending over to make eye contact with her although I don’t think you noticed. “Yes, have you seen it anywhere?”

“Oh I took it to the lost&found thinking that somebody had lost it! I’m so sorry sweetie.”

You had suddenly grabbed her hand and started shaking it like crazy. “Oh my god thank you so much, Mrs. Choi! You saved me!”

Mrs. Choi had laughed, saying, “I should apologize for taking it without saying anything.”

Before you went downstairs to take your suitcase you had turned to me to say, “The plate is on the table, take your time.”

And I was grateful that you left before giving me the time to open my mouth because the words lining up against my lips were _I don’t want your food._

I was desperate for something proper to eat but I didn’t even know if my stomach could handle it, I didn’t want to tell you that. I figured I looked miserable enough.

When you came back carrying the suitcase with an apparent joy, the plate was still waiting on the table, untouched. 

“Oh god, I feel so relieved. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t found it. I don’t think I could go to work with your clothes, everyone would mock me for _ages._ Mrs. Choi is such a sweet person! My old landlady was a total jackass. She always came asking for rent even _before_ the decided date and get mad and shout at me if I didn’t have the money. Jesus, she was a bitch.” You were walking around the house in a speed I couldn’t follow, from your room to the bathroom, pacing between the kitchen and the living room as you brushed your teeth, taking your apron off as you combed your hair, I couldn’t do anything but to watch you move with the energy I had been lacking for so long. 

“I’m leaving,” You said as you took a bacon from the plate and didn’t even stood still to chew it down, that’s when I noticed there was only one plate on the table. That’s when I felt even more horrible for saying all of those to you. “See you a couple of hours later!” 

I was left alone in the house after the closing of the door. I went into the kitchen to see the single plate waiting on the table, a plate for me. I tried to let the fact that you had woken up just to make me breakfast and I had blamed you for doing so, sink in. My eyes were watering and I didn’t know if it was because I felt so guilty or so pitied or so strange that someone had showed me care.

Your voice was still echoing in my head and I couldn't get your broken face out of my sight. I had no idea how to deal with you from day one, Kim Junmyeon. 


	2. -2-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit rushed but I hope you enjoy it. I would be glad if you comment and tell me your thoughts.

The whole time in the coffee shop I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I didn't know how to. I hadn’t thought about anything for a long time that thinking about you made my head hurt. You were such a new thing, you shined among everything I had in my head. I wanted to keep my thoughts away from your broken voice and your confused eyes, I only wanted to think about how my clothes looked so big on you and how brown your eyes were and how soft your hair looked. I only wanted to think about how you kept your skin so smooth and how you played the guitar and how your singing voice was. I wanted to think about where you performed with your band and what your songs were about and why you wanted to help me. But everything ended in my words and your hurt look and I couldn’t get myself out of the cycle, I didn’t want to shut myself from everything again, I didn’t want to get lost in myself, I didn’t want to be alienated from everything happening around me all over again. Nothing had attracted my attention as much as you had for a really long time, nothing seemed to interest me, I felt like I wouldn't be able to have to desire to be interested in anything, to be curious about anyone. But I had you in my mind and I couldn’t seem to get you out, I don’t know if I even wanted to.

I hadn’t been around anyone I could hurt for so long, anyone who cared enough for me that they would be hurt because of my actions, anyone who was nice enough to care for me; I didn’t know how to react to that. I had been feeling either empty or sad or afraid or pure angry for so long that anything other than those four felt so foreign to me, I didn’t know how to deal with anything else. I didn’t know how to deal with you because you made me feel everything other than those four.

“Sehun?” When you appeared in front of the counter I thought I was having a hallucination for a second. 

I looked into your eyes. “Junmyeon?”

“I wanted to visit your workplace but I didn’t know which coffee shop you worked in so I took my chances! Wow, I work right around the corner, this is great.”

“Oh,” Here you went again. Saying things I didn’t know how to respond, giving off that vibe that you were interested in me, you cared for me, you were concerned for me. I didn’t know how to hold any of that inside of me. “Welcome.”

“Can you give me a latte macchiato?”

“Sure.” I handed him the cup after a couple of minutes.

“How much is it?”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s on me.”

“Won’t you get in trouble with the boss?”

“It’s fine, you paid the whole rent anyway. I can do this at least.”

“Thanks, really.”

“It’s just a coffee.”

“When does your shift end?”

I checked my watch. “In a couple of minutes.”

“Great! Do you want to walk home together?”

I wanted to either beg you to stop treating me that way or just explain why you were doing it. But I had forgotten so many words. “Okay.”

On the way home you had talked about your day and how much you like children and how you helped a child complete his arts class homework and how a kid didn't want to eat her vegetables and you made up a tale about them to make her eat it and you didn't seem even a little bit bothered by the fact that I wasn't responding. I don't know if you knew that I felt so warm with you talking nonstop like that. It felt like, I don’t know. I only know that it felt new and it felt beautiful and I wished we never reached home so that you could keep talking.

When we got home I took half of the rent from the piggy bank and handed it to you, “For this morning. You shouldn’t have paid all of it.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Take it.”

“It really is okay, I have money.”

“You work a part-time job I know how much you can earn from that. You have a band, I’m sure that has expenses too. Take it, I hardly spend it for anything anyway.”

“It’s okay, it was my apology for this morning.”

“What apology? For what?”

“For making you mad.”

I felt like shooting myself. I just wanted to become one with the floor because the feeling of not being able to handle that look in your eyes had come back. “You didn’t make me mad. It’s not your fault, Jesus, please don’t blame yourself. Just— Junmyeon, please don’t blame yourself for the way I act. It’s just that, half of the time I don’t know how to act and end up acting in ways I don’t mean to. I didn't mean to get mad, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

You looked so surprised for a second, then your lips curved into a smile. “It’s okay. Thank you for telling me. And you still can keep the money.”

“Take it or I won’t be able to sleep well.”

“Oh Christ, okay. But I’m doing this only for your sleep schedule.”

I laughed at that. I don’t know how long it had been since I had last laughed. It felt so foreign on my lips. It felt so nice. I had missed laughing so fucking much.

You had a puzzled look on your face. “Sehun,” You said. 

“Mmh?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah.”

“You have such a beautiful laugh.”

 

The day after that I had the afternoon shift so you hadn't come to pick me up from the shop. As I walked the way back home I felt a bit lonely, then angry that I felt lonely. I was afraid that I was going to fall back into that cycle. It had only been two days since I started to know you yet I had this strange feeling, which I couldn't comprehend what it was exactly. It came in different forms, it came in the smell of your cooking, it came in your babbling about your day, it came in your smile. 

When I got home, something was humming inside and I could hear constant footsteps running from place to place. “Junmyeon?” I asked into the house.

“I’m here!” You had shouted from inside. 

When I followed your voice I saw that you had sweatpants on and a vacuum cleaner was swallowing the dust around your feet.

“What are you doing?” I asked, I hadn’t gotten that cleaner out for so long.

“Some cleaning. Do you know how dusty this place is? Both of us are going to get sick.”

I couldn't do anything besides staring at you until you looked at me, your forehead wet from sweating and your hair messy. “You could grab a mop and help if you want.”

“Oh sure, sorry, I will.”

You smiled at my stuttering before getting back to your work, I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks before I went to get the mop.

We cleaned for I don’t know how long, I just know that towards the end I felt like I was going to collapse on the floor. As I was cleaning the windows, I heard your voice from the kitchen, “Are you hungry?”

“Not really.” I shouted back. You appeared in the doorway.

I felt your eyes on me. “When did you last eat?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re so thin. Do you starve yourself or something?”

“No, it’s not that it’s just. Eating is not my thing.”

“You look like you’re going to be blown away by the wind, Jesus. Let me just cook something. What’s your favorite food?”

“I don’t have a favorite food.”

“If you don’t want me to cook we can order something.”

“Junmyeon, it’s not that, it’s just…” I sighed and turned away from the window to sit on the bed. “I don’t know how decent of an answer this will sound but I haven’t eaten a proper meal for so long, I don’t know if my stomach can handle anything at this point.” I breathed in. “I also don’t think I have the energy to be hungry.”

You just glared at me for a while, “Okay,” you said and left the room. I didn't know what that meant.

 

The next day I woke up to a strange smell again, I walked into the kitchen to see a plate waiting for me, again, only one. Only for me.

I just wished you understood that this wasn't about you. I didn't want to hurt you. “I thought I told you—”

“I know.”

“What’s this then?”

“It’s my mother’s special. She used to cook it for me when I felt like not eating, or when I had nausea.”

“Junmyeon I don't think this will help—”

“Just try it. One bite.”

I looked at the plate again, it looked like a salad but it had steam coming out of it. I sat on the chair, I could at least do this for you. I grabbed the fork and stabbed something looking like an apple piece to put it in my mouth. It tasted better than anything I had had in a month. The expression you had was priceless when I finished the whole plate. 

“The secret is to cook the apples with cinnamon.”

“Where did you get the ingredients for this? The fridge is still empty.”

“Check again. I went grocery shopping this morning.”

“Just when did you wake up?”

“I like waking up early.”

The sugary smell of the meal was still warm in my nose, “What’s your mother like?” I asked.

“She was a gentle person. She always wanted the best for her family.”

“Was?”

“She died when I was seven.”

I needed to learn how to keep my mouth shut. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. She had cancer, we all knew it was going to happen eventually. She lived a happy life.”

“That’s nice. I’m happy for her.” I paused until I realized how wrong that sounded. “Not happy that she’s, you know, dead, just that she lived a happy life. And you know, maybe she had prepared herself if she knew it was going to happen. And you know like— Like, if she lived a happy life maybe she wasn't bothered by it—” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I’m going to stop talking for now.”

Your laugh ringed in my ears, I couldn’t help but look at you. The sound of it made my heart flutter.

“It’s okay,” You said. You combed my hair with your fingers. “See you later.”

“See you,” I murmured when I got over the impact your laugh had made on me but by then, you had left the house. 


	3. -3-

“Do you want to meet the band?” You had come from work with a smile that didn't drop from your face, I should've figured it was because of something like that. It had been two weeks since we had started to live together. You had walked home with me everyday I had a morning shift. I felt like something was missing when I didn't have you saying one thing after another about your day when I walked back home.   
“What do you mean?”  
“We have a gig tomorrow. We’re going to go for a drink before that. Why don’t you come with us?”  
“I don’t know Junmyeon, I mean, you’re all friends I would just mess up the mood.”  
“Don’t be stupid. They’ll like you.”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Please come?”  
I checked the look you had on your face, your eyes were wide and directed at me, I watched how your long eyelashes went up and down, how you had clutched your hands together. “Oh okay.”   
You smiled in the way that I just couldn't resist. It had been two weeks and I had seen your smile for hundreds of times but it still made something in me feel like it was going to burst.  
As we were heading for the cafe we were going to meet up you kept talking about how you all were high school friends before you formed the band and how you never believed you would be able to keep it for so long. It put an unintentional smile on my face to listen to you talking so enthusiastically. It was warm and sunny for an autumn day, your brown hair was turning dark yellow under the sun. I wanted to watch the way you moved your lips and took steps and breathed in until you noticed the way I was staring at you.   
You suddenly stopped in front of a coffee shop and walked inside, I followed you, looking around to guess who your friends were.  
You walked to a table with three guys sitting around it. The blond one hugged you as the other two bumped fists, you turned back and made a motion for me to come. I felt like my heart was going to break my ribcage, I had forgotten how nervous it made me to meet other people. I was so sure that I was going to screw things up. I was going to leave bad impressions. They weren't going to like me. It wouldn't be news.  
I walked towards the table and sat next to you.  
“Is this the friend you told us about?” said the blond one.   
“Yeah,” You said. “Everyone, this is Sehun. Sehun, this is…everyone.”  
“I’m Minseok,” said the blond one. He had a nice smile spread on his lips.  
“I’m Jongdae,” said the one with brown hair. He had a soft face, I liked him.  
“I’m Yixing,” said the last one and held out his hand for me to shake. I couldn't believe nothing that gone wrong yet.  
“Nice to meet you all.” I responded.  
“Junmyeon can’t shut up about you,” laughed Minseok. “I’m glad to meet you in person at last.”   
“So how did you meet?” Yixing asked.   
The greeting and exchanging names part of meeting someone new was easy. Then came the part which I had to use social skills. I wasn’t real good at that.  
For a single moment I thought you’d tell everything, for a single moment I wanted to disappear into thin air, for a single moment I regretted everything from the moment we met to the point we came here but you just said, “He had put up an advert on a flatmate, and I needed a decent house, so. You all know how my old place was like.”  
“That place was hell itself, dude.” said Jongdae.  
“I’m so glad you got out of that house, now I don’t have to be afraid before I come over to your house.”  
“So, Sehun, are you interested in music?”  
“Not really. I can’t play any instruments. I think it’s a really nice thing to be able to play one though.”  
“Do you do any other kind of art?”  
“I used to be a painter.”  
“Really?” You had said, you looked really surprised. I suddenly felt bad for not telling you until then.  
“Yeah. I was studying arts in college.”  
“Was?”  
“I dropped out.”  
“Oh, may I ask why?”  
“It’s just that… The situation wasn't good. I wasn't able to attend classes anymore.”  
“I see. Sorry for prying.”  
“It’s okay. So how did you all meet?”  
It was really nice to see you among your friends. You were livelier than ever, you four always interrupted each other to tell another aspect of the story, it felt like I was seeing all of your high school selves. It was so nice to see that you could all be your old selves around each other, seeing you like that made a smile spread on my lips. Although something inside of me felt like it was on fire, jealousy, I could bare with it just to see the childish sparkle in your eyes and your smile. I was melting from just seeing your face change expressions. You held many expression in just one sentence of yours than I had for over a month. I was so fascinated by you, you had more desire to live than I had ever had. You were so far away from me, so foreign, we lived in two opposite polars of the world yet I felt drawn to you more and more as days passed. I felt like I had been gray for so long and you had walked into my life with a whole new color palette. I was so addicted to you, Junmyeon.  
“Jesus, it’s almost 8. We should start getting ready. You’re coming to see us play, right?” I didn't realize that the question was directed at me until I saw Minseok’s questioning eyes on me.  
“Oh. Yeah. Sure.”  
“Great,” You smiled.  
We left the shop to head for the club you were going to play. Minseok mentioned that he was still excited as hell even though it was like your millionth gig. He thanked you guys again for bearing with him for so long, do you remember that? I had told you that I thought it was really cute of him to say so that night.  
There were already people waiting for your stage, we walked among them, all four of you covering your faces to preserve the excitement of the audience.   
“We’re going to change, do you want to come with us? You can wait in the backstage until the gig starts.”  
“Okay.”  
The backstage was no more than a little room with white walls and a mirror, though I don't know what I expected it to be. Yixing got out the clothes he had brought for all of you from his bag and gave them to you, you took your shirt off.  
Your collarbones were stretching to almost the tip of your shoulders, every time you turned your head I could see the muscles in your neck move, your skin was smooth and I felt like I couldn't separate my gaze until I absorbed every cell of it. I could smell your perfume, I felt like my heart was going crazy. With every single time you bent over, turned away, walked around the room I was left breathless.  
“I’ll be right back,” I said and ran to the bathroom. I was scared that my heart was going to rip my ribcage apart, I didn't know what was happening to me. Seeing you was giving me heart attacks. My hands were shaking, I felt like I was losing the sensation on my fingertips. I saw your bare skin whenever I closed my eyes, your perfume was in my nostrils whenever I tried to breathe. I wanted to explore your skin so horribly, I wanted that scent of yours to become one with mine, I wanted to feel your skin under my fingertips so much. I felt like something was burning inside of me. You were killing me so badly Junmyeon, I liked the way you did it so fucking much.   
When I went back to the backstage, you weren't there; I figured your gig was about to start so I decided to go back to the club. The lights had dimmed, it was dark outside, the only brightness was the pinkish spotlights shining above stage. All four of you were standing there; Yixing’s black hair was painted red with the colorful spotlights; his gaze was fixed on his shoes behind the drum set. Minseok had a guitar hung on his neck, his blond hair was pointing to every way possible; pink lipstick had painted his lips. Jongdae was standing right next to him, his eyes directed at the audience, yet emotionless. His green shirt’s hems were brushing against his legs. He was standing behind the keyboard. And in the front, you. A microphone was standing in front of you, a blue guitar was in your hands, your long fingers wrapped around it. You had a pair of leather pants on and dark red boots. Your lips were shining with the lipstick, the spotlights were sparkling on your smooth skin. You were the star of the stage, I couldn't take my eyes of you.   
Then you started to sing.   
Your voice immediately filled my ears, I stared at you as once piece of lyrics left after another. Your fingers were dancing on the strings, you were tapping your foot with every single note, I could hear your breaths echoing with the speakers. You had captured me whole, I felt like you were singing a lullaby only and only for me. You looked so happy when you sang. Your eyes were shut as you sang and when you opened them, you only took a glimpse of the people watching you, being captured by you, being fascinated by you, and smiled like this meant the world to you. Spotlights were dancing on your face, your torso and your legs. You were swaying side to side with the beat of the song, sometimes you let go of the guitar and wrapped your hands around the microphone to go for a high note, you looked like you were having the time of your life. You looked so indestructible. You looked so untouchable. You looked so beautiful.  
That’s when I noticed how much I liked you.


	4. -4-

It was raining like crazy again, I was sitting on the couch with my legs pulled against my chest, arms wrapped around them. My eyes drifted off to the windows, beaten by raindrops and I just kept wondering where the fuck you were because it was getting dark and there was one of the worst downpours of the year outside and Jesus Christ Junmyeon, you weren’t home. 

I stood up and walked around the house, my hands restless around my waist, then on my temples, then in my hair, then behind my neck; why weren’t you coming home?

I had this unbearable anxiety in me, which kept saying something had happened to you. As I walked around and sat and lied down and stood up to repeat the process all over again, any kind bad thing that might have happened to you was passing through my mind and I was choking as they varied from getting mugged to being kidnapped. 

When, at last, there was a knock on the door I almost fell trying to get to the door as fast as I could. In the mere milliseconds of the way to the door from the couch I had thought that it may be the police calling me to identify your body, some kind of an ambassador telling me how much of a ransom money they wanted for you. The fact that they didn't make the slightest sense didn't even occur to me. 

When I opened the door to encounter an extremely wet and shivering Kim Junmyeon, I was ready to shout at you about why you came home so late, why you didn’t respond to my calls, and many many more angry and worried questions but I was torn between wanting to hug you because I was relieved and asking you what the hell you were holding in your arms.

“Sehun!” You said, almost cheered. You had the liveliest expression on your face, I could see your eyes sparkling in the dim light of the doorway. “Look what I found on the street!”

I realized you were holding a box and bent over to see what was inside of it. It was a puppy. God dammit Junmyeon, it was a puppy. 

I was too startled to say anything at all, just staring into the large, black eyes of the tiny and wet animal in the box. 

“You don’t like her?” I swear I heard your lips curving downwards.

“No, it… It’s not… Can you just get inside, please?”

“Can I bring her?”

I walked inside and for you to get in, “Bring her.”

“Thank you Sehun!” You screamed, jumping to my back all of a sudden. I felt your arms dangle down my shoulders and wrap my neck and your soaked body pressing against mine. For a second, I didn't feel anything but out of breath. You were there, so close, I could feel the warmth of your breath on my neck, your scent surrounding me. If it was any other time, if you weren’t completely drenched and on the verge of making both of us sick as hell, and if there weren’t a stray puppy on the ground; I probably would have fainted. 

“You need to calm down first,” I started as I turned back to take your coat off, since you seemed way too excited to even remember it. “What happened?”

You let me unzip your coat and stood still like a little child, talking non-stop. “I was coming from work and I had to walk through a back alley and I hardly could see what was in front of me since it was, you know, raining like hell, and I heard a sound. It was a mix of some kind of moaning and I don’t know, somehow cheering? I walked towards it and saw this little baby sitting in a box and there were a couple of kids poking her with a stick and hurting her and can you believe them? What kind of cruelty? Anyway I told them to go away and they said what if we don’t? I told them to go away again and that they were hurting her but they refused to so I walked towards them to give them a, you know, good beating but they were three or four of them, I was outnumbered. I may have gotten some bruises all over and I don’t know where my wallet is but one of them left with a bleeding nose I assure you—”

“What?” I said, half shouting, backing up from getting your coat off. “What did you say? Oh my fucking god, Junmyeon, what?” I ran my hands through my hair to calm down and breathe for a second, then continued. “I really, really want to shout at you and scold you right now but fuck, are you okay? Where are the bruises? Do any of them hurt? Take your clothes off, Junmyeon.”

“I’m okay—”

“Clothes. Off. Now.”

You looked at me with eyes which oddly resembled the ones of the puppy’s. “Okay.” You murmured, sounding like a child who had made his mother mad. 

You took your shirt and pants off and sat on the couch, waiting for me to check your bruises and I had forgot how much your body, your flesh, your curves affected me. The second I turned around after putting your clothes aside, I felt my breath being tucked right back into my throat. You were just sitting there, damp and smooth skin covering your collarbones, kneecaps, all your muscles and bones and I couldn't keep myself from thinking that you were the most beautiful person I’d ever met. 

You innocently directed your gaze to the floor, “There may not have been a fight. The kids may just have walked right up to me and I was too scared to say anything and just made the fight up so that it wouldn't be too embarrassing.”

I gulped to help myself breathe again and walked towards you. I crouched down in front of you and purple and red spots over your skin caught my eye. As I let my eyes explore them first, how they had turned to abnormal colors, how you breathed a bit weird; I felt this weird thing rising up inside of me. And then I realized what it was, burning through my veins and vacuuming my insides; it was anger. Pure anger. 

“They…did this to you?” I let words spill and my fingers started to walk around your body, from one scar to another. To my Junmyeon? I wanted to continue but decided to keep my mouth shut. You flinched as my fingers slightly touched the bruises and I felt the anger get stronger and stronger with each flinch. 

“Sehun I’m okay.”

I could hardly hear what you were saying, anger was droning my ears. “How dare they do this to you?”

“It’s nothing, really.”

“I’m going to find them.”

“Sehun,” You put your fingers under my chin and raised my head so that our eyes would meet. “Calm down.” There was a slight smile on your lips, I felt my anger die out as your eyes bored into mine. “I’m okay.”

“But…” I felt like I didn't have the energy to revert my gaze to anything else, I kept my eyes staring right into yours. “What if something had happened?” And that’s when I realized I was on the verge of crying and my voice was trembling like hell.

“But nothing happened,” You said, your voice a mixture of soothing and a laugh like you were trying to comfort me. “Look at me, I’m okay.”

“But you’re not,” I said and felt like tears would come raining down the second I spoke another word. I was to overwhelmed with everything to care. “There are scars on your body, Junmyeon, bad scars. You were all alone in that back alley, it was dark, it was raining. What if something had happened Junmyeon? What if you weren’t able to come back now?”

You took my hands into yours and I wondered how they were warmer than mine even though you were still wet from the rain. “But I’m here now. I’m here, next to you. I’m here, Sehun.” 

I only blinked, for a second, words were unknown to me. You smiled and I just felt so lost in you, I had no idea what to do when it came to you, I had no idea how to react. You bent down and took me in your arms and that was the second tears started streaming down and I lost control of my body, my emotions, my words. I was shaking in your arms, feeling drops falling on my cheeks from your wet hair. “What… What if… Just what if you hadn't come back… What would I have done then? I can’t lose you too… Not you…”

You grasped my arms and held me still and stared right into my eyes, I felt like your gaze was penetrating my eyes. “I don’t know what life will bring, I can’t control it. But I will stay here, as long as I can, with you. I want to. I don’t know if I can stand against whatever might separate us but Sehun, you are such a beautiful soul. Such a fragile one. You’re not alone, okay? You’re not being left alone again. Believe in me with this one.” Letting go of me to hold me softly in your arms again, you continued. “I’m here.” Your voice soft and comforting and like a lullaby in my ears. “I’m here. I’m not leaving you.”

I felt so warm inside of me. One part of me didn't want to believe any of that, knew that I would only be heartbroken even more when the time came for you to leave me behind. If I were to believe that you would try for me, try hard; it would hurt even more when I realized you didn't try even the slightest. I was scared. I was scared so much, but in that second, in our house, on our couch, in your arms, your words seemed so believable. I chose to trust in you Junmyeon, maybe it was something about the way you held me, or the way you prepared food for me even if it meant waking up early for you, or the way you put up with me. I don’t know what it was but it made me feel like I was home again after a very, very long time. 

I felt a little nudge on my arm and when I turned to see what it was, it appears it was the puppy.  
I looked into its large eyes. “What are we going to do about her?”

“Can we keep her?” You said after hesitating for a moment, I turned to look at you to meet with the innocent look in your eyes. Why did you have to be so pretty Junmyeon?

“Yeah, we can keep her.”


	5. -5-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So actually I had written this months ago and was planning on straight up posting all of the chapters but I realized that many things could be changed for the better with them so I wanted to work on them and post them that way. Yet I haven't had the time to do so for the past couple of days since I'm all crumpled up with school work and the situation will be like this for the following two weeks or so, so here's a chapter I had written long ago yet haven't changed. Hope you like it and sorry for the late update.

One month had passed. We had left the club right after your gig for Jongdae and Minseok’s house for a party over your 100th performance. I still was fascinated by every single performance of yours. I sometimes couldn't take waking up in the same apartment as you and not being able to touch you, to look at you as long as I wanted to, keep everything inside of me. I lived for the days we walked home together. I lived for the days you cooked for me. I lived for the days I could hear you singing. I was starting to be consumed by you. You made me feel so alive.

After I don’t know how many bottles of vodka, I was talking over a cigarette with Minseok in the kitchen right before Jongdae walked in, obviously drunk as hell, with a strange look on his face. Yixing and you were following him like you knew something was going to happen, you had that same strange expression on your faces. 

“You gave her your number today, right?” He couldn't even talk straight because of how drunk he was. He had a strange tone to his voice, like he was angry. Like he was broken.

“What do you mean?” Minseok had said with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Today, after the gig. You gave the girl your number. The one waiting in front of the locker room.”

“Yeah, I did, why?”

“Why, he asks.” Jongdae laughed in a scary way. “Why? You want to know why?”

“Jongdae what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Do you know how fucking unbearable it is to watch you mess around with girls all the fucking time?” Jongdae walked towards Minseok, his eyes were watery, probably because of alcohol. I was just standing there, not knowing what to do.

“Why the hell does that bother you?” Minseok had a scowl on his face. 

Jongdae gulped and bit his lip, he obviously wanted to continue the conversation but wondering if he was drunk enough to say it. “It just does!”

“Well, it’s none of your business.” Minseok said, looking right into Jongdae’s eyes with a though gaze and pushed him away from himself.

“You’re right. It’s none of my business.”

“Jongdae what the hell? Why are you doing this?”

“Are you that oblivious?” Jongdae shouted at Minseok. Minseok looked so shocked despite his angry face. 

“Are you going to keep talking bullshit or are you going to properly explain?” Minseok said, walking towards Jongdae to push him in an aggressive way again.

“You are fucking unbelievable,” Jongdae said and pushed him back. “I can’t fucking believe you.”

I heard Yixing whisper to you, “I really can’t believe he hasn't noticed anything.” I was just watching the whole thing like a tennis match, my eyes switching their gaze between Jongdae and Minseok.

“What the fuck Jongdae? What the hell is wrong with you?” Minseok said, followed by a push against Jongdae.

I looked at Jongdae, waiting for him to repeat the action. Instead, he grabbed Minseok’s coat’s collar and pulled him to himself and pressed his lips to his.

I gasped. Yixing gasped. You gasped.

I could see that Minseok was about to have a heart attack, his eyes were wide open, his hands shaking.

Jongdae pulled back and for a second I thought he was going to cry, he looked so broken, so fragile for a moment. He turned his back and combed his hair with his fingers, he licked his lips over and over again like he wanted to say something but he couldn't get the words out. At last, he turned to Minseok’s face again which was still shocked as hell, staring at Jongdae with his fingers on his lips. “I have been in love with you for so long, Minseok. So. Fucking. Long. I can’t even remember a time I didn’t love you. I can’t deal with this anymore. I—I can’t wake up next to you every single day and watch you get dressed and walk you to work and cook with you and live with you thinking we are friends. You are so fucking irresistible. I can’t take this.” Tears were running down his cheeks. I turned my head to see that Minseok was in the same exact state. 

His mouth was open, his fingers still on his lips. His gaze hadn't moved an inch away from Jongdae, his eyes still wide with shock. I thought he was having a panic attack until he practically ran to Jongdae to cup his face in his hands and return his kiss. And again. And again. And again. Until he pulled back without getting his hands off, his eyes still wet with tears but his mouth curved into the biggest smile I had ever seen on Minseok’s face. “You fucking _idiot.”_ He kissed him again, smiling against his lips. He was hardly keeping himself from laughing. “Jongdae, I love you so much.”

It was Jongdae’s turn to be stoned by shock now. He was looking at Minseok with the same wide-eyed expression. Minseok kissed him again. “I will keep doing this until you erase that expression off of your face.” He said.

Jongdae finally blinked and laughed the most beautiful laugh I had ever heard in my life and wrapped Minseok in his arms. He put his face on his shoulder and eventually let himself cry his heart out. Minseok was laughing with tears still streaming down his face, his fingers were combing Jongdae’s hair. 

I still hadn't gotten over the shock when you and Yixing ran to them and hugged them so tightly, shouting “I can’t believe you to took so fucking long!”

“Minseok you are such a fucking idiot!”

“How could you two be so oblivious? You were practically eye fucking each other _every time_ you were around the other.”

Minseok smiled at Jongdae and raised his eyebrows. “Well, I can do that for real now so isn't it the time for all of you to leave the house?”

Yixing laughed so hard that I thought he was going to puke his drink out, “What do you mean leaving, you mean we aren't going to celebrate this?” You were saying with a half-full vodka bottle in your hands.

“Get the fuck out of me and my boyfriend’s house,” Minseok had shouted, laughing, pushing every single one of us out.

As Jongdae was still laughing at himself in the kitchen, Minseok followed us to the doorway. 

“Guys, thank you so much, really.” He said, looking at all three of us. It felt weird and nice that he had included me too. “For bearing with the two of us for so long.”

“Minseok,” you had said. “I’m so happy for you.”

Minseok looked back at the house and then turned his gaze to us again, he had a child’s smile on his face. “He loves me,” he said, he looked like he was about to blow up. He looked like he was consumed by pure happiness. He was glowing. “Junmyeon, he loves me.” He said and let out a loud laugh. 

“He has loved you for so long Minseok, you have no idea how many nights I had to listen to him crying over you.”

Minseok covered his face with his hands, sniffing. “I’m not dreaming, right?” He said, turning to Yixing.

“You sure aren’t.”

“Oh my god,” Minseok laughed again. He suddenly pulled all of us into a hug. “He loves me,” he repeated to himself. “He loves me. He loves me.”

I could fell all of your breaths’ warmness against my skin, we were all still stinking of alcohol, we were all laughing like crazy. It always amazed me how all four of you were tied to each other with so much love, it always amazed me how you let me in too. 

 

 

 

As we dropped Yixing at his house and headed for ours, I kept playing Jongdae and Minseok’s fight ending in a confession ritual over and over in my head. I wondered if I would be able to call our house me and my boyfriend’s house one day. If someone would tell me that you had cried over me. If I would ever be able to kiss you. If I would ever be able to hug you so tightly. I felt like someone was squeezing my heart whenever I looked at you that night. I wanted you so much. I wanted to tell you everything. How my heart beat like it was on the verge of stopping whenever our gazes locked onto each other. How every single cell in my body burst into flames whenever your fingers touched my skin. I loved you so much, Junmyeon. I was just so afraid that you wouldn't love me back. 

“Look what I sneaked away,” you said when we made it home and got a vodka bottle out.

“Jesus Christ Junmyeon, how much did you have already?”

“There’s always room for more, come on.”

I didn’t even bother to respond since you were already getting a pair of glasses out. 

“Sehun, can I ask you something?” You said as you were pouring vodka into the glasses.

“Sure,” I said, watching the liquid cascade.

“Why were you trying to kill yourself that day?”

I was suddenly paralyzed. If I wasn't that drunk, I am sure that I wouldn't answer that question. Even hearing it had made me come to my senses a little. I gulped. I didn't know what to tell you. _If_ I should tell you. I noticed that you were trying to look away from me. I was so afraid of hurting you again. “It was the anniversary of the day my parents kicked me out of our house.”

You suddenly went wide-eyed. “What?”

“It had been five years.”

“W-Why? Why did they do that? Oh my god. Sehun, I’m so sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” I looked at the vodka filled glasses, I figured that I wouldn't be able to tell the whole story if I wasn't drunk enough. I gulped it all down. “My brother was killed in a robbery. My family was devastated. I was devastated. I loved him so much. Everybody loved him. He was the most wonderful kid ever to be born. He was so nice. He was so gentle. He was so loving. He was so funny. So clever. He was so…” I sniffed, even remembering him made something inside of me break. “When we lost him, we lost ourselves too…. We couldn't even stay strong for each other. None of us could handle it. My mother didn't leave her room for a week. My father wouldn't do anything besides crying. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I could still smell his sent in our room. It was excruciating. Every single day was killing each of us.”

You looked like you were about to cry. I loved you so much for how much you empathic when it came to other people’s pain. 

“I was trying to get over it. I wasn't able to. I felt so empty but something was still burning everything inside of me. I just wanted to forget it. I couldn't handle it, I was seventeen then. I was weak. I was so fragile.” I gulped. “I was dating our neighbor, a kid named Luhan. One day he was in our house. I suggested we had sex. I needed something to distract me. I was willing to try anything to get my mind away from my brother. He said okay. My mom caught us. I was still closeted.” I looked at the ceiling and blinked to keep my tears from flowing. “I told them that I liked boys. My mother shouted at me, saying that I was trying to get the attention away from my brother, Changkyun, like always. She told me that I had always been jealous of him. She told me that I was glad he was dead. She told me that I had never loved Changkyun. She told me that I always wanted the attention, that I would do anything to hurt them, that I was cruel, that she wanted me out of the house right at that moment. She told me that she couldn't deal with me right then. It didn't even hurt me that my mother loved Changkyun more than she loved me, I understood why she did that, but it killed me to hear that I wasn't sad for Changkyun. That I wasn't regretting every single day I was alive instead of him.” I started to sob, I felt that emptiness Changkyun had left after him inside of me again. Like day one. I had never talked about Changkyun since then. “I left the house. I went over to Luhan’s but he said that I wouldn't be able to stay with him. He was closeted. We broke up that day. I had no idea what to do. I slept on the streets for a couple of days. I gathered my shit together after then.” I looked around the room, desperate to find anything to distract me from the subject. “I still miss Changkyun so much. My life has been a big mess after that. I never really got it all together after that. Everything went downhill after that.”

I suddenly felt your arms around me. You were warm. You smelled of alcohol.

“Can I tell you something?”

I didn’t respond. You went on.

“You didn't deserve it. I think you need someone to tell you that.”

For a single second I thought I would be able to hold it all together. But tears started to stream down, shouts started to leave my mouth. I missed him so fucking much, I missed Changkyun so much still. I couldn't bear being alone for so long. I couldn't bear sleeping on the streets. I couldn't bare trying to get a life for myself when I was only seventeen. I couldn't handle thinking that I had deserved all of that. I hugged you back, I wanted you to be as close to me as possible. I don't know how long I cried that night. But it was the first time I had a shoulder to cry on in five years. I wanted to cry like a child, I needed to cry until I felt empty so much. I needed someone to hold me while I did it so much. I needed you so much, Junmyeon. 


	6. -6-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is a very little filler chapter because i can't even find the time to breathe because of school

The next morning when I woke up, I felt like my head was going to split open. I couldn't even blink due to the headache, I was more nauseous than ever, I hardly even got myself to the bathroom.  
“Sehun? Where are you? Sehun? Sehun!” I could hear your concerned voice shouting my name inside the house but I was too busy emptying my stomach so I just decided to wait until you checked the bathroom.  
“Jesus, how much did you drink yesterday? Are you okay?” You had combed my hair for me to relax, “It’s okay. You should skip work today.”  
I turned my back to the toilet and sat on the floor, I felt like I was going to collapse; my head was killing me and breathing in made me want to puke, my limbs were shaking. I felt so hot.  
“I think I have a cold.” I murmured.  
“You are definitely staying home today.”  
You had prepared me hot tea for breakfast since I wasn't able to eat anything solid. I remember you singing songs for me as I was trying to sleep to ease off my headache. I think I finally passed out after a while.  
In the darkness, I could hear a voice. A murmuring to be exact, something which became clearer and clearer as the darkness was lifting. When the darkness transformed into a room, I figured that it was Minseok’s voice.  
“You always want to get the attention.” He was hissing at me. I had never heard Minseok talk like that, not to anyone. It made something inside of me shatter.  
“You only want all of the gazes on yourself,” Yixing said. His voice was rough, emotionless except for pure hatred.   
“You wanted him dead.” I heard Jongdae’s voice, his eyebrows crossed. His mouth ready to spit on me.  
My head was spinning, their words were surrounding me to squeeze the air out of my lungs, I could feel my stomach trying to escape from my body, I was constantly blinking but nothing was ceasing to be blurry. My breaths were getting heavy.  
For a brief second I saw that the room was actually a funeral house.  
I saw that your photograph was standing on the coffin.  
I felt like I was going to faint. I felt like I was going to die.

“Sehun. Sehun wake up. Sehun!”  
I woke up with sweat drops streaming down from every way possible, I was breathing heavily, my eyes wet, my lips dry and chapped. I looked into your eyes. I felt pure relief.  
“You were shouting my name.”  
“You’re alive.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You’re alive…” I laughed and pulled you close. I was more scared than I had ever been in my whole life for that couple of seconds.   
“Of course I’m alive, are you okay? I think you’re having hallucinations.” You had pressed your lips onto my forehead. “Jesus, your fever is crazy. We are taking you to the doctor’s.”  
Then you had taken me to the hospital, sang me to sleep for three other days until I got better, gave me medicine on an hourly basis and took my fever. But for the whole time I was only glad I still had you by my side.


	7. -7-

The first time you had asked me on a date was a Saturday. “Sehun, can we go out for dinner tonight?” You always denied it was a date but we both know it was, Junmyeon.  
“We have dinner together every night anyway. What’s the special occasion?”  
“Nothing. I just wanted a little change.”  
I had a smirk on my face. “Is this a date?”  
“In your dreams, Oh Sehun. I can do much better than you.”  
“Try me, Kim Junmyeon. I can make your world go upside down.”  
You had smirked back. I wonder what would've happened if that conversation wasn't a joke.  
“Are you coming then?”  
“Sure.”  
That was our first date which was followed by many others. On our fifteenth date, although you never accepted to call them dates,—including the double dates with Minseok and Jongdae— we had decided to spend it at home. After watching our third movie and drinking three glasses of wine, you had told me that you had a surprise for me and told me to close my eyes. When I opened them, I saw you sitting in front of me with your guitar on your leg, grinning at me.  
“Now, I need you to listen to me without ever interrupting. Deal?”  
I remember blinking, not knowing what was going on. “Okay.”  
It was one of the cutest tunes I had ever heard in my life, your voice was dancing in the room with the notes, I was still captivated by it. I still remember the chorus. 

“Hello angel, you’re like a painting  
You’re all I see when I look to the skies

City street lights, even if the lights go out  
And the moon disappears, it’s bright because  
I have a star that fell from the skies  
And it’s you”

As you were putting down the guitar, I was clapping although my heart was going to pierce my ribcage. I had no idea how to deal with you Kim Junmyeon, you were making me melt.

“In case you didn't understand,” You had continued, standing up. “I wrote this for you, Oh Sehun.” You had walked towards me. “And in case you still don't understand,” You had bent over enough to look me right in the eyes. “I am madly in love with you.” Then you put your fingers among my hair and you pulled me in for a kiss. I felt the air being squeezed out of my lungs in an addictive way as I tasted the wine and peppermint flavor flowing from your mouth into mine. It felt so weird, it felt so unreal. I could sense the world crashing down to the ground around us and I wasn't caring one bit about it, strangely I could hear the woods in the fireplaces slowly cracking as the bloody orange color of the flames shadowed your face, I could hear the soft wind against the windows, I could feel how soft your lips were, how clumsy you were with kisses but at the same time; I was completely lost. I felt the floor disappear into darkness and all of my senses crush into one another.  
I looked into your eyes when you stepped back. I could feel my heart collapsing when our gazes locked onto each other. I knew you wanted a response, I knew you were waiting for one. I stood up and kissed you back. And you kissed me back. And I kissed you back. And then you laughed. And then I told you how much I loved your laugh. And then you told me how much you loved everything about me. And then I told you that I couldn't understand how you loved someone like me. And then you told me that you would love me in my place until I understood why you loved me. And then we kissed again. And again. And again.

It wasn’t long after when Minseok, Jongdae and Yixing found out.  
“Junmyeon, you are the cheesiest person I have ever met.”  
“I can’t believe you weren’t dating already. I mean, we went on double dates.”  
“Those weren’t double dates.”  
“Those fucking were double dates and everyone else except for you knew that Kim Junmyeon get your shit together.”

It wasn’t long after when we started sleeping together.  
It wasn't long after when we started doing practically everything together.  
It wasn't long after when that night happened.   
I think I had stolen the remote control from you so that you would stop paying attention to the TV and pay attention to me instead, I guess, I don’t remember. I was running around the house while you shouted at me, laughing, chasing me. It hadn’t been much long of a chasing scene until you held onto my waist to stop me from running and pinned me to the ground. You were only a few millimeters away from me. Our chests were touching each other with every breath we took, your sweaty hair strands were brushing against my forehead.  
“Got you.” You had whispered, your voice rough from lack of breaths.  
I lifted my head and kissed you, I let my tongue wander around in your mouth. You were surprised for a sole second but it didn't take you long to place your hand behind my head and kiss me for an endless couple of minutes. It usually ended with that. It had always ended with that, until then. Until you decided to let your hand slip down to the hem of my shirt, and then into it.  
Your hands were cold on my skin, but I liked how they rubbed against it. I lifted my waist, I just wanted to feel you on me even more.  
You took me from the sides of my torso and got me standing up, you gently pushed me to the wall and pressed your lips to mine again without hesitation. Your hands were more confident this time. So were mine.   
I explored every single strand of your hair, then moving to your jawline. Your shoulders and down to your hips. Your abs and your collarbones. I couldn't get enough of it.   
You took my hand and I didn't know where you were taking me until I felt the soft texture of the bed sheets on my back.   
You took my shirt off and backed off to take yours off. I remembered the day in the locker room I first saw you shirtless. It made me go crazy to know that now, you belonged to me. I let a smile spread across my lips. I kissed you again.  
I had gotten used to the chilliness of your hands on my skin, I had started to like it. I kept wanting to feel it more. Everywhere you touched was burning, I felt like someone was setting my whole body on fire.   
I kissed your neck as I felt the muscles move under my lips, your collarbones, your nipples and then your torso. I heard you taking my belt off, I reached for yours.  
“You make my head spin.” You had said. You were making my whole world spin.

We were laying under the sheets, I could watch your face smiling at me until I fell asleep. At last, I could watch you and examine you and explore you as much as I wanted. I put my hand on your cheek. You smiled at me and put your hand on mine. I wanted to stay like that forever, your skin on mine with the sheets rubbing against our bare bodies. A smile on your face. A smile on mine.  
“Oh Sehun, do you know how much I love you?”


	8. -8-

It had almost been a year since we first met. I had started to see you so differently than the day we had seen each other the first time, not the most pleasant way of meeting someone. I loved watching you cook. I loved watching you sing. I loved watching you practice with the band. I loved helping you with the song lyrics, I liked it when you told me that I was your inspiration. I liked our date nights. I liked falling asleep and waking up next to you. I loved kissing you. I was totally captivated by you, Kim Junmyeon; you had changed my whole life without even knowing it. You had introduced me to this whole new world. You had reminded me what it was like to feel warm again. What it was like to be cared for, to be loved. What it was like to love.  
Every time when I shared a cigarette with Minseok, when I laughed until my eyes watered at Jongdae’s jokes, when Yixing came over to cook for us, during the nights we went out drinking until one of us passed out, the nights we spent together, all five of us; the nights I fell asleep in your arms, the times you stole little kisses from me, every time you touched me, every time you looked at me, I remember that this world, this whole new world I had just stepped into was under my feet only thanks to you. I was alive thanks to you. I wanted to be alive thanks to you.  
I wanted to hold onto all of those thoughts when the phone rang and I saw my mom’s name on the screen. I felt like I was going to collapse. I felt like I was having a nightmare. I wished it was only a nightmare. It took everything I had inside of me to answer the phone.   
“Mom?” The word felt so weird on my tongue.  
“Sehun.” Jesus, I had almost forgotten her voice. The way she said my name was the same way she had talked five years ago.  
I wanted to ask her what she wanted, why she had called. If she was regretting the way she treated me. If she was sad. If she was missing me. I waited for her to talk.  
“I see that you haven’t decided to come this year too,” She said and for a single second I couldn't understand what she had meant. I wish I could pause that second and keep it playing over and over again forever. “It’s Changkyun’s death’s anniversary today.”  
It had been so long since I had heard his name from someone else’s mouth. It sent shivers down my spine.   
“I see you still don’t care about him.”  
My eyes wondered around the house and paused on the frame on top of the fireplace. It was a photo of me and Changkyun, my arm wrapped around his small and fragile body, his head laying on my shoulder.  
I dropped the phone as the words echoed throughout my brain, I see you still don't care about him. I see you still don't care about him. I see you still don't care about him.  
Just hearing my mother’s voice was reminding me of that day, the way she shouted at me, the way I felt so small and so desperate and alone. I was selfish. I wanted all of the attention. I didn't care for Changkyun. Maybe I had deserved everything.  
I stared at the photograph. I stared at Changkyun’s little eyes and thin lips forming a smile. He always smiled with his eyes. “Changkyun…” I whispered into the void. My voice was shaking. “I miss you so fucking much. Why did you have to leave? Why did you have to leave me behind?” I felt my knees touching the floor, my tears falling down. “I miss you, Changkyun.” I hiccuped.  
I felt like I was going to burst. Every single time I had seen Changkyun smile, laugh at my jokes, the times we had talked over dating people, the times we had played football, the times I had helped him with his homework were passing right in front of my eyes and I hated myself even more for thinking that he had left me behind. But I felt so alone. I wanted to shout at myself that I was being self centered again. I wanted to shout at myself that I had deserved all of this and that I was the person my mother had told me I was. I felt alone. I felt selfish. I felt so hate inside of me and if it was targeted to anyone besides me that just made me hate myself even more. I wasn't able to get myself out of this mess. I couldn't even see around me, something was blocking my air circulation. Not that I wanted to breathe all that much. I wanted to shout, nothing was coming out of my mouth. I felt the plastic handle of the knife in my hands. Just like the way it was, I thought to myself. This will silence my mind. I just wanted everything to shut up, I felt so tired, everything felt so excruciating. Until this year that day was always the most unbearable day of the years. The day I would always be sure that I wouldn't be able to get through. I had finally forgotten about Changkyun like I wanted to and know I hated myself more than ever for doing so.   
It felt like it happened in just a matter of seconds, I saw a couple of red lines on my wrists and then I felt myself hit the floor. I felt the blackness.

I felt a slight heaviness on my stomach when I opened my eyes to the white lights, I felt like my head was going to explode from the brightness. I saw a couple of silhouettes walking around the room, although everything was so blurry that I couldn't make out the shapes exactly.  
When I was able to see clearly I started to hear the beeping sounds, see that Minseok was pacing around the room with his eyes fixated on the ceiling, Jongdae breathing heavily with his eyes closed, Yixing standing with his back against the floor. You were laying on my stomach, your hand was in mine. My wrists had bandages on them. The room smelt like antiseptic.  
“Sehun?” I heard Minseok’s voice and suddenly all of the eyes in the room were directed at me. Your eyes were red and swollen and bloodshot and I wanted to tear myself to shreds because I knew I was the reason for that.   
Without saying anything you squeezed my hand and started crying. I couldn't bare seeing you like that. I couldn't bare knowing I had caused it.  
“Jesus, dude. You scared us for real.” Minseok said, laughing nervously.  
“Are you okay, Sehun?” Asked Yixing with concern.  
Jongdae was just staring at me.   
I looked at you. “I’m sorry.” My voice was rough.  
“What the hell happened?” Your voice was shaking.  
I felt so broken for a moment. I wanted us to be okay and I was the one who kept breaking everything.  
“Mom called.”  
I saw you gasp and your eyes widen. “Why the fuck?”  
“It was Changkyun’s death anniversary today.”  
“Oh my god,” I felt your hand shake. “Oh my god Sehun, I’m… I’m so sorry.”  
I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t apologize.”  
“I’m sorry.” I felt my eyes tear up. Stop being so selfish I told to myself. Was I going to leave you behind only for my own selfish desires?   
“Sehun I love you.”  
“Junmyeon I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s going to be okay,” You said as you hugged me. I wanted to be lost in your arms forever. I wanted to smell in your perfume, I wanted to watch the blue cloth of your blazer, I wanted to hear your voice only. I wanted everything to be okay.  
I wasn't able to leave our room for a couple of days after that. I jumped every time I heard the phone ring. Even the smell of regular food made my stomach go bad. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to do anything. I laid awake in your arms every single night and even if I was sleeping, I woke up in screams and sweat. I was so afraid of going back to the way I was, I was so scared of letting you down after everything you had done for me.   
You held my waist at nights when I had nightmares, pulled me closer to yourself and let your fingers wander in my hair. Sometimes you would sing for me as I let choked cries flow from my mouth, sometimes you would say it’s all going to be okay, sometimes you would tell that you loved me over and over again, sometime you wouldn't say anything and just kiss my head until I fell asleep in your arms, my face buried in your chest.  
I only managed to get out the house for your gig after almost ten days. I had left my phone home, I couldn't bare to hear the ringtone.  
I watched you walk onto the stage, I wanted to hear your voice so badly. I wanted your voice to swallow everything and captivate me all over again. I wanted to be lost in you because being lost in myself was too painful.  
Then you started the song and I realized that it was a different one than your regular tracks. It took me a while to notice that you were staring right at me.  
“I watch you break apart into pieces right in front of my eyes  
Even though you’re only one person I can’t protect you  
Even though you’re the most important person I can’t protect you   
I watch you die from the inside my love and all I can do is feel your lips

Are you able to feel my love?  
Does it embrace you like you like a warm summer’s day?  
Do you feel happy enough to smile when you’re with me?  
Do I deserve you?

Will you be able to forgive me my love  
For everything I haven't been able to do and for everything I have done  
Will you be able to see my love  
Just how much I love you”

I wasn't really thinking after that. I was just consumed by everything which was erupting inside of me, my love for you and my anger for myself and eventually I figured that the former was way too powerful for the latter to take over.  
I stepped onto the stage without thinking through what I was doing. Everyone was silent and I knew everyone had their eyes on me, I couldn't care less. I walked towards you to pull you into a kiss. Your lips were sweet from the lipstick, sticky from the sweat. I heard the crowd drown in applause, I heard Minseok laugh behind us, Jongdae murmuring something to Yixing.   
“You reminded me what it was like to be alive again Junmyeon, you reminded me what it was like to be warm again, what it was like to be loved. I love you more than the whole world, Junmyeon. More than I have ever loved anyone. You are my whole world. You are the love of my life. Do you know just how much I love you?” I don’t remember breathing between words.  
You had laughed and kissed me back and despite the crazy applause of all of the watchers, the howls from the band, it felt like only the two of us existed for that single moment. I wondered if I would be able to love anyone as much as I loved you.


	9. Final Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for bearing with me up until now guys! Thank you all for reading. I'm posting the final chapter now but I am working on a different fic called One of These Nights which I plan to focus on and pay more attention to so please check that out too! Have a lovely day.

“Junmyeon, I want to visit Changkyun’s grave.”  
You were reading the newspaper, you had the strangest expression on your face. “Are you sure?”  
I had nodded. “I am. I wanted to settle things. I can’t run away from it forever.”  
You had smiled and walked to me, “That’s so brave of you, love,” You had said with your arms around my body. It felt so warm. “When?”  
“Now.”  
“Well, okay. Get ready. I’m driving.”  
I looked at the mirror with a suit wrapping my body. I looked so small in a suit, I didn't even look like myself.   
“I don’t think Changkyun would want to see me like this.” I said and without waiting for you to respond I had walked to the room to get out a blue t-shirt with a text which had been washed off.  
“What’s that?”  
“Changkyun had got it for me for my birthday.”  
You had looked at me with that strange expression again. “I’m sure it will look wonderful on you.”

I felt like I was going to throw up on the way there. You were holding my hand. I was replaying the speech I wanted to make in front of his grave over and over in my head. As we left kilometers behind us, I felt like I was going to pass out right on the spot but remembering Changkyun’s smile, remembering his voice and the way he held onto me when he was scared, the way he looked at me when he needed me to convince my parents into something, all of the memories we had together calmed me a little. I took little breaks from my nervous breakdown to look out of the window and smile at the soft expression of Changkyun popping up in my head.   
I still remember every single detail of that day. I can’t get over the fact that if we had done even the littlest thing differently, the consequences wouldn't be the same.  
Neither of us had the time to react when we heard the horn. It was like everything had happened in an instant. The unbearably loud noise of the horn had ringed in my ears and then the car had shaken like an earthquake was happening, my head had crushed into the windshield, I had felt little pieces of glass ripping and piercing my skin, my head hit the asphalt, you were laying centimeters away from me. I had tried to reach out to you but my fingers only moved an inch, I was mouthing your name until I had my voice come back to me. Junmyeon. Junmyeon. Junmyeon. Your name was the only thing I could think at that time. I wanted someone to slap me so that I could wake up from this horrible nightmare. I waited for your arms to wrap me and for you to tell me that you loved me. I waited for the moment I would feel the sheets on my skin and wake up in sweat and wet eyes. I waited for the moment you screamed my name and told me to wake up.  
None of them ever came.  
For the single second before I closed my eyes to be swallowed up by darkness, I felt everything I wanted to say to you, every future dream I had with you in it, everything I felt about you flash before my eyes. The things that I wanted to do were popping in my head as if my body was perceiving the meaning of your unresponsive body laying just a little away from me, yet my mind didn’t. I didn’t want to accept that I was thinking of the things that I wanted to do one last time. I wanted to feel your warm skin under my fingers one last time. I wanted to see a smile on your pink lips one last time. I wanted to be swallowed up in your embrace, in your arms, in your eyes, one last time. I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to do so many things. I had always thought we had a long time ahead of us, for the two of us to be the dumbly in love and for you to cook for me to wake up to, for me to pick you up from work, for all five of us with the band to be stupid, careless, young and free. I felt my heart shatter, hurting more than my arm which felt like it was broken, the cuts on my face, the blood streaming down from my forehead.   
But this couldn't end like this, I thought, I had dreams of a future with you. I had the extracts of that exact future flash before my eyes. No, no, no; we would paint the walls of our new apartment together and you would spread paint on my nose and call me adorable and I would frown and you would kiss me. I would fall in love with you all over again and you would fall in love with me all over again. This wasn’t supposed to end like this. We had to have the future I never hoped having, the future I wanted so badly now.   
As some people carried me into an ambulance I had the worst feeling like when I woke up in the hospital this time, I wouldn't feel an heaviness on my stomach.  
I woke up to those white lights again, I was starting to hate them so much. I only saw three figures in the room. Something broke inside of me.  
“Junmyeon?” I shouted the first thing when I opened my eyes. “Where is Junmyeon?” I looked at Minseok who was staring at me with so much pain and so much concern in his eyes. I grabbed his collar and pulled him towards myself “Where is Junmyeon, Minseok?”  
“Sehun… Junmyeon is…”  
“Where the fuck is Junmyeon?” I let go of his collar. “Junmyeon! Junmyeon!”  
“Sehun, Junmyeon is—” started Yixing but his voice was killed by my shouts. I kept and kept and kept shouting your name. Like if I had shouted long enough it would silence my thoughts, it would silence all of Minseok’s and Jongdae’s and Yixing’s words, like it would silence all of those hospital reports.   
I don’t know when I started to cry but my face and clothes were already wet when I realized I was. “Where is Junmyeon?” I kept saying yet it was just a mere gasp now. Minseok had hugged me who was followed my Jongdae and Yixing. After a couple of seconds I could hear all of them crying. Minseok’s shoulders were shaking under my hands, Jongdae was holding onto Minseok’s arm, Yixing had clutched his hands around mine. It was like if we weren't holding onto each other, every single one of us would collapse right onto the floor.   
None of us knew what to do without you, Junmyeon. You were such a big part of all of our lives. You were my whole life.

I looked at myself in the mirror before I left for your funeral. My eyes were still red. It had been two weeks since you had been gone. I couldn't stand sleeping alone. I couldn't stand not waking up to your cooking. I couldn't stand not being able to hear you sing. I couldn't stand not having you around Junmyeon, everything was so unbearable when you weren't holding my hand. You had changed my whole world and I didn't know what to do with it without you in it.   
I walked to the funeral place. I looked at the gravestone. I thought about how you were lying meters below that, the guy I had felt every skin of, the guy I had craved for, the guy I had made love to, the guy I had loved.  
I looked at Minseok and Yixing and Jongdae and suddenly that dream popped in my head, for a brief second I thought they were walking towards me to shout at me how selfish I was. They all walked towards me to hug me.   
“I’m so sorry Sehun,” Yixing murmured.  
Minseok was holding Jongdae’s hand so tightly, like he was afraid that he would leave him if he let go.   
“It’s okay,” I said to them. I wasn't alone this time. I wasn't alone thanks to you.  
“He loved you more than anyone he had ever loved,” Minseok said looking into my eyes. “You were his whole world, Sehun. He loved you so much.”  
I smiled at him. “I know. He was my life.”   
Minseok gulped, I could see that he was hardly keeping himself from bursting into tears.   
The three of them had asked me to make a little speech at the funeral. I had really given it a lot of thought, I wanted it to be meaningful, I wanted everyone to remember it, I wanted you to hear it. I walked over to the dais and looked around. Everything seemed so lacking when you weren't there. Seeing all four of you reduced to three made something inside of me break.  
I took a deep breath. I had prepared millions of different speeches, starting with how we had met, starting with how we had started to date, starting with how I had fallen in love with you, starting with how I had left home. But I had decided on one at last. I got closer to the microphone and opened my mouth.  
“Hello angel, you’re like a painting  
You’re all I see when I look to the skies” I noticed Minseok staring at me with his eyes wide, Jongdae was already crying. Yixing was covering his face with his hands.  
“City street lights, even if the lights go out  
And the moon disappears, it’s bright because  
I have a star that fell from the skies…” I knew my voice was cracking, it took everything I had to keep myself from crying.  
“And it’s you”

 

Junmyeon, when I first thought of writing this I was planning on it to be a suicide letter. It would've been if I was the person you had met a year ago. But I am not the same person anymore. Because of you. You saved me from that unbearably dark hole of mine, from the suffocating arms of the memories and of the past, from my own abyss. I want you to see that, to know that I am standing here, because of you. Living today, because of you. I have to keep on living for Yixing. For Jongdae. For Minseok. For myself. For you. You helped me more than you can even think of, my love. I don’t know how I will be able to bear a life without you. But I will try to. You deserve to know that I will try and you are reason why I have the courage for it. I love you so much. You’re my flatmate, Kim Junmyeon, my savior, my friend, the love of my life. Thank you for everything.


End file.
